Of heartbreak and weight-loss

It was a friend of mine who inadvertently put me on to this amazing discovery. Even as we were gorging on some sinful brownies available only at our secret bakery, she explained how she had been losing weight without doing a damn thing about it. And she was right. I probably hadn’t noticed because we met each other every day. But there was a definite sleekness to her once full figure. When I pestered her for a while, she finally let me on to her secret.

She said that it came as a natural side effect of heartbreak.

This set me thinking. Maybe heartbreak is another one of those all-natural weight-loss programs that just doesn’t work for me. Although I’ve had more than my fair share of heartbreaks, I’ve lost no weight whatsoever. Not a gram. I know. I check the scale each morning. And looking closely at my friend — really looking — I realized that I don’t seem to have any of the outward manifestations as well.

I still remember my first heartbreak. It was so horrible that I was repulsed by food. Every time I saw food, I became queasy. But it never showed. Not once. I became an insomniac and suffered from severe sleep deprivation for more than a year. But it never showed. Ever. I was terribly, horribly miserable from within. Even that never showed. Not even to the people closest to me.

After my second heartbreak, I slept all the time. I stayed in bed for as long as it was humanly possible to do that, without my parents dragging me to the nearest polyclinic. I was more than rested — I was over-rested. But it didn’t show. I ate well. In fact, maybe too well for my own good! Even that didn’t show. I didn’t lose any. I didn’t gain any. Weight that is.

After my third (and hopefully last!) heartbreak, I slept like a baby. Always had pleasant dreams. I ate normally and on time. I felt happy on the outside and was shocked to discover that I was mostly happy on the inside! I realized then that it was important to be in love. For the very first time in my life, I took pleasure in being in love. And for the first time, it didn’t matter whether it was reciprocated or not.

I guess I had managed to convince myself that whatever may happen, the dream is always going to be better than reality. A dream is always soothing and acts as a calming influence. While reality bites. And breaks and rips and tears apart. And doing justice to the dream seemed the most natural thing in the world. So obviously, there was no scope for weight-loss.

While I’m still almost always ecstatically in love, I can’t deny that I’m also constantly in a state of heartbreak. Because the object of my affection is much like the unicorn in that he is mythical. Just like a shiny, happy fairy tale where they always live happily ever after. Heartbreak of course needn’t always be due to a lover. It can just as easily be because of a friend with little or no heart. In my case, even that has happened. And guess what? No weight-loss!

As is amply evident, I shouldn’t sit around waiting for the ‘conventional’ heartbreak to hit me. All the people I’ve loved have been anything but conventional. They deserve more — much more — than the regular kind of yearning and tears. Having come to the conclusion that they are mostly wonderful in a bizarre kind of way, maybe it is time I made my way to the gym!

Terror Tuesday

She stood there seductively — even though she was clad in some as un-alluring as a trench coat. Her hat drooped over her eyes and her hair curled all around her. It seemed like a halo had ensconced her. But the most striking fact of all was that in her hands, she held a flashlight aimed at the stars. “Blackout Survival basics” said the big, bold headline. “It pays to be prepared!” advised the sub-head. The catalogue-like ad below peddled candles, headlights, batteries, spotlights, energizers and even regular flashlights for a popular supermarket chain — everything that a survivalist would need in a no-power scenario. And Singapore erupted in a new shopping frenzy.

Welcome to the world of crisis in efficient Singapore!

Coming as I do, from a land where blackouts for long durations are the norm rather than the exception, I viewed the reportage on the ‘Great Singapore Blackout’ with some amusement. For the past few days, my television has been bombarding me with images of people seemingly suffering through a candlelight dinner, a solitary car having crashed against a median, civil defense personnel giving errant elevators the benefit of their eagle-eye and even families strolling in parks and near community centers with red lanterns for illumination. Not even 9/11 or the recent Iraqi beheading incident I’m sure, garnered so much coverage in the national media.

I’ve read and re-read statements from the Ministry of Trade and Industry, the Energy Marketing Authority and even the Economic Development Board with incredulity, surprised that something as normal as an occasional blackout (normal to the likes of me that is) can cast aspersions on the entire nation as a viable investment destination. I read in amazement, statements by officials concerned that policy-level decisions would be taken to ensure that this is not repeated and that Singapore should probably stop relying too much on natural gas from Indonesia and Malaysia.

I’m waiting for the knee-jerk reaction from the extremely worried Indonesian and Malaysian natural gas suppliers who will land at Changi in the next available flight to ‘express concern’ over the incident and brainstorm to ensure that ‘such lapses can be avoided’. All the while getting ready to submit their tenders for liquefied natural gas and compressed gas in which, sufficient interest has already been expressed. And once the ‘careful investigations’ unmask those responsible, they will be penalized, the irresponsible pipeline disciplined and Singapore will be back to the bright and glowing-with-promise country that it is positioning itself as.

But I’m beginning to understand why the average Singaporean was so terrorized by the blackout. After all, he has enjoyed more than three decades of economic development and stability. His nation is the cynosure of all eyes in the region. His ‘government’ is proactive and responsible. And inefficiency, a much-detested (and rightly so) crime. But it hits closer home. On Terror Tuesday, when the lights went out, he, his wife and children were cowering in their cozy HDB dwelling. The microwave glowed dully from the light of the nearly done dinner. The new 24-inch LCD television set glowered by the candlelight — as miffed by the outage as by the disruption of the Euro 2004 semis viewing. The near-silent split air-conditioner fell deafeningly silent. The myriad gadgets, gizmos and security cameras lay still and lifeless. And some hapless neighbor, banged dully against the doors of the lift he was trapped in, waiting for the civil defense to extricate him. It was an occurrence enough to psyche out the best of us, don’t you think?

But what was really amusing was the ‘plight’ of my countrymen — most of who, one would think, were used to the regular-as-clockwork power outages back home. They cribbed about the ‘unbearable heat’, cursed the silent air-conditioners, and sulked when the minutes passed them by, whined long and hard and in general decried the state of affairs. As one of them put it, “I never thought this could happen in Singapore! I didn’t come all this way to see this!” Given the pitch darkness enveloping us, I was pretty amazed that he expected to see anything at all!

Anyways, in the hullabaloo about the blackout, most Singaporeans forgot their other pet paranoia — terrorism. The fact that Singapore is one of the only two ports in South East Asia that complies 100% with the rules of the International Maritime Organization is something that was relegated to the inner pages of most dailies here. So for now at least, the towering buildings near the sea face are safe.

Wonder how they’ll cope with another blackout though?